yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
