i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
