I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
