i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
