Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
What changed your mind?
Being sober
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
