Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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