he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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