I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Randomize
