Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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