Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
