your parents love me but you hate me
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
