1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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