You just made me feel so damn special
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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