You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
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