How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
