Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
