Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
