Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
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