he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
