dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
