Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
