Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
