Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
