i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
