I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
