My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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