I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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