Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
