I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
