I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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