By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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