My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
