I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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