Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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