ur plase or mine? lol
well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
