I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
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