We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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