You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Randomize
