dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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