the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
