the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
