Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
