Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
