I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
