Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
