I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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