and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
