this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
