Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
