There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
